Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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