"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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