My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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