I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
