Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
