i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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