You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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