We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
