between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
