this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
