She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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