we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
