were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
