Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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