your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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