she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
