I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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