I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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