I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
