Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
