He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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