you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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