Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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