They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
