It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
