He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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