cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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