mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
