Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize