remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
