I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
