is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
