Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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