pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Non-Jews are for practice
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
