More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
