i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
