my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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