So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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