so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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