Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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