Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
