i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
