I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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