I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize