I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He did a backflip because drugs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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