I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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