omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
