my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
tell me about the eggs
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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