i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
