you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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