I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
