Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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