Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
