i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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