I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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