You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
