i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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