we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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