Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
