I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
